TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical development-slash-luxury property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're talking Damascus, the city Traditionally known for historical culture, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It's going to be remarkable. Great!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom connect with, streamed in the putting eco-friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We've experienced beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A number of the most effective. But now, we're creating them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and totally away from spot. Created by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A three-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • And a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable h2o. But yes, certain, let us have A different put wherever American Males can use robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are contacting this probably the most audacious peace try because Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While preceding negotiations unsuccessful under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is simpler: offer you Every person a collection over the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In line with files released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be delicate electric power," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock requirements less diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms put in in Every single device. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest noted, "It's not that Trump should not open up a tower within a war zone. It is really that he really should cease applying it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested about the job, replied, "You realize, guy, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Very good people today. Wonderful tan. In any case, do I nevertheless have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred towards Trump Tower Damascus the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit with the Levant."



Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the hotel's landscaping kinds an enormous Trump head seen from Place, a attribute staying promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents as well as chin is… well, categorised.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits right after locating the developing's gold plating mirrored much sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set hearth to an area melon cart.


"It really is not merely hideous. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Complicated Options


Perhaps the strangest factor of your tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium wherever company may ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, comprehensive with local weather Handle set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Regional Syrians are Uncertain what to create of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-12 months-old Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising System: "When you Bomb It, They'll Arrive"


The advertisement campaign, not long ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is For good."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll performed inside of a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% claimed "where's the closest elevator on the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The challenge is now attracting awareness from Intercontinental traders, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll buy three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business stage will also include:




  • A Greenback Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Dependant on the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't hold out to view a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in place of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a resort exactly where my PTSD might have turn-down services."


A different write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reviews propose:




  • China may well open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to create a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best floor "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Last Thoughts within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that involved a few camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It essential gold. It necessary a waterslide shaped such as Structure. I gave it all three. You're welcome."

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